My brief hiatus from my MS and the journey of losing weight begins, sort of...

It's hard to remember being 265+ lbs. It was 1999, I was happily married, or so I thought, moved into a new house and just found out I was pregnant! What was a happy time quickly became a scary time. I'm 265 lbs and pregnant. Wow. The average person can put on 20-30 lbs I'm already big. I don't want to get any bigger. The thought of gaining 20-30 lbs more frightens me. What the heck am I supposed to do? 

So that's when my journey of losing weight kind of began.

My OBGYN was concerned as well.  We talked and agreed that I would eat healthy and not starve myself but put on as little weight as I can. Her theory was if I’m eating healthy, the baby will get enough nutrients and vitamins to grow.  Ok, I thought with some trepidation, but I’ll try it.  So I did try it and in the end I only put on 5-10 lbs during my first pregnancy, a feat I didn't think I could achieve. After my daughter, Sydney, was born, I lost over 20 lbs! The doctor said if I wasn’t pregnant I would have the lost 20 lbs.  So I kept thinking, if I could accomplish this while I was pregnant, why can’t I eat healthy all the time and get more weight off?

I was down to about 240 lbs! Now I'm on my way! Well at least that's what I thought. Down 10 lbs up 15. It was a constant battle. Then my MS doctor in Boston wanted me to get pregnant again, right away, otherwise he was putting me on new meds. So I was very lucky to quickly get pregnant again.  Now it's June of 2001, and I weigh approx. 240 lbs. Ok I thought. I've been careful before with my weight during my first pregnancy, I can do it again I told myself! This time it was more of a struggle for some reason to eat healthy but I was still able to only put on about 10 lbs. Ok, not as good as before but still trying to eat healthy and enjoying being pregnant! My son, Hunter, was born, healthy and happy and I lost another 20 lbs! Now I'm down to 230 lbs! I can do this, I told myself! Yeah and the roller coaster ride began. 

Now, when I was pregnant and nursing (nursed both kids for a year), both times, I felt fantastic.  As if I didn’t have MS. I had about a 2 year break from this disease.  It was great.  I don’t know what it was, some doctors say it’s all the hormones.  I don’t know what it was nor did I care at the time but I felt great.  I could walk better, my legs weren’t stiff, although I did still have the muscle spasms at night and that was tough because I couldn’t take my meds.  I remember I used to walk my neighborhood a lot.  At that time, there were 2 other families that had babies all around the same age and we were known in our hood as the “stroller patrol.”  It was fun.  They would walk the entire neighborhood (about a good mile) with the strollers and I would only be able to make it about 1/2 way before I needed to sit and rest and wait for them to get back to the halfway point.  Before I was pregnant, I couldn't walk nearly as far. That was always tough sitting there waiting.  I never would say anything, just put on my "plastic smile" and say go ahead.  I’ll be here when you get back.  

Well, after Hunter turned 1, the ugly head of MS reappeared.  I remember it well.  I was at Hunter’s 1st birthday party at Gymboree and I fell.  Not only did I fall but I had trouble getting up.  I looked up at my husband with fear in my eyes and I think in his.  We both knew at the time what this meant.  The MS and all of it’s lovely symptoms were back. Now, I have the full effects of the disease back but this time I now have 2 children to take care of, a 1 year old and an almost 3 year old.  It wasn’t just me and my husband anymore that I had to take care of, we are a family of 4.  That was scary as hell.

This disease, at times can be such a lonely one.  I’m sure MS isn’t the only disease that can make you feel isolated, but I was always such a social person.  Loved being around my friends and a part of all the action.  For example, sitting on the side of the road waiting for everyone, including my family, to get back from a walk was very lonely.  Being at a party where everyone is standing around talking and I have to sit because my legs get tired, is so isolating.  I’ve never told anyone these feelings but they sting,  It’s just another reminder of the things that this dreaded disease took away from me.  Trying to get up at the birthday party was just another reminder that although I had my husband, there will be times when I am on my own trying to not only take care of the kids, but also take care of me.  This is where, I think, my goal of losing weight got lost and the fear of the MS took over. 

The year around my wedding was a tough year.  With all of the stress that planning a wedding brings on, my MS was in sort of a tailspin.  I would have about 2 1/2 weeks of each month in a wheelchair and then go on a very strong IV solumedrol therapy, then about a week later I could walk again, but then the cycle would start all over.  I was so determined to walk down the aisle to my husband and dance my first dance with him along with 2 other dances, one with my father and the other with my new father-in-law.  I was working hard at trying to achieve this goal.  I was very overweight, from all the Friendly sundaes, and went on a diet.  I lost about 50 lbs for my wedding.  I looked good but my legs still weren’t cooperating.  The Wednesday before my wedding day, was a very depressing day.  I was trying on my wedding gown in a wheelchair, but I refused to give up on my dream.  I was proud of myself for losing the weight but I still couldn’t walk.  At this time in my life I was not giving in to the disease.  I was going to walk down that aisle and by some miracle or just all the steroids pumped into me, I accomplished my goal.  I didn’t have the energy to do much else but I spent my wedding day wheelchair free, I didn’t let the MS get to me or my weight loss so why did I give in after having my two children?  

This disease can be so humiliating at times and maybe I finally succumbed to all of the humiliation or just the disappointments that can come along with it as well.  I’m not sure.  But I do know now, that after all I have gone through and what I have accomplished in these last two years, I don’t want to go back to that time.  Sure, I still have my “woe is me” moments, but I think I deserve them.  I put up a brave front all the time and it’s OK to give in once in a while, but lately, my giving in moments are few and far between!