A View from the Deck: For Whom the Phone Rings

Ah yes, another gorgeous day. You come home, you get cleaned up, and are just about to sit down and enjoy supper, when...RING!

"Hello?"

"Is this Mr. Doo-Mah?"

Okay, right away I know this caller doesn't know me. Anyone who tries to give my name the French pronunciation is no one I know or do business with. True, some of my more humorous friends like to add an extra 's' at the end, in a vain attempt to be funny, but for the most part, anyone who calls me by 'Doo-Mah' is one of the single most feared individuals to invade my private space; the dreaded TELEMARKETER.

Over the years, I've tried to develop various ways in dealing with these aggravating unseen denizens. I, like many others, used to look at the caller ID and not answer. But that's ineffective, as your number just goes to the bottom of the list to be recalled again at an even MORE inconvenient time (usually 11pm, which is early morning in New Delhi).

I tried all the tricks: punching in '7777', screaming "Don't call me anymore!", and even answering in Spanish (which is widely spoken by most telemarketers, I discovered, including Hindi, Pashto, and Russian), all to no avail. On Tuesdays and Saturdays, the days they seemed to target me, they called, and called, and kept on calling.

I was seriously considering the purchase of a hand-held airhorn, wondering if it could rupture eardrums if used over the phone, when a novel idea (not an idea for another novel, although...) hit me. Why not have a little FUN with the invaders, and maybe even give one or two of them a chuckle in the process?

The following are a sampling of those I've found to be fairly effective. Feel free to use them, or create a few of your own and post them in the comments section below.

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"I'd like to speak to the person responsible for the electric bill."

"That would be CL&P."

"No, sir. I mean, who pays it?"

"You have to pay it? No wonder it's so dark." Click.

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"Is this Mr. Doo-Mah?"

"How do you know him?"

"I don't really. I'm calling on behalf of..."

"For God's sake, man! I'm in the middle of a crime scene here! There's feathers everywhere! How did you get this number? We're not answering any questions until after the investigation. He used Crisco. Crisco!" Click.

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"Hi! I'm calling on behalf of [insert charity here] and we would like to know if we could send you a pledge card."

"I know the pledge of Allegiance."

"We'd like to know if you could pledge as little as..."

"I pledge allegiance to the flag..." Click.

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"Central Intelligence Agency, Operations. How may I direct your call?" Click.

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"Are you a member of any organized political party?"

"No, I'm a Democrat." Click.

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"I'm calling to ask for your support of [insert candidate's name here] in the upcoming election. Can we count on you?"

"I have to pee." Click.

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"Hi, Hon."

"Who is this?"

"Who do you think it is?"

"No Habla."

"Is there a woman there?"

"Que? Sorry, honey. I was just playing around. Honey? Sweetheart? Hello?" Click.